Posts Tagged With: farm

Family Sayings and Mispronunciations

Many people think a “Southern Accent” is a southern a southern accent. This just isn’t true.

It’s just like we Southerners thinking that everyone from New York is from New York city.

A southerner can tell if someone is from North Carolina/South Carolina (coast or mountains), Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana or Mississippi. Florida wasn’t mentioned because of the large population of migrating seniors so it’s more of a melting pot.

Of course each state in the south has it ‘s own colloquialisms; and within each region of each state there are even more localized phrases that flow off the tongue like honey off’n a hot spoon.

Even within my family, there are many phrases and ways that we say things that just aren’t heard anywhere else.    I’d like to share some of those with you. I do realize that most probably aren’t exclusive to my family.

So…., without further adieu (A Doo) I present some of the family sayings and mispronunciations that you will hear at the farm:


Pert Near – pretty close, pretty near, soon <and the like>

It’s comin up a cloud – There’s a lot of dark clouds over there

Dinner is lunch and Supper is ithe last meal of the day served in the evening

Do what now? – said after any type of list or instruction even if they have been understood

Fixin’ tuh – Getting ready to, about to

Mash it – to push or press <mash the button>

Cut it on, Cut on – turn it on, turn on <Cut on the light>

Hissy fit – something someone slings or throws when very angry <When he left her she slung one mo’ hissy fit>

Hussy, Huzzy – a strumpet; girl or woman that has what the speaker would consider to be loose morals; or if they just don’t like her or have much else to talk about

I rekin’ – I guess so; I suppose so

Warr –  wire <I gotta fix that bobwarr fence>

Wharr – where

Lawsy – you say this breathlessly and is most often followed by ‘mercy’ “lawsy mercy”  as a useful generic exclamation when surprised or dumfounded

Ink Pen – as opposed to a <straight or safety> pin

Fiddle-fart – depends on how used: (1) “Quit fiddle-farting around and get out here!” = wasting time (2) “Oh, fiddle fart.” = mild frustration

Stoved Up – constipated  NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH…  Swaged Up – swollen

Hussey – pronounced huh-zie  a loose woman, or anyone acting in a way you consider not to be ladylike


Sherwer – shower

Arse – ass

Ax – ask

Bid’ness – business

Callonopy – colonoscopy

Herikin – hurricane

Idn’t – isn’t

Mu nin ci pal – municipal

Ortopsy – autopsy

Quar – queer timey meaning = odd/different> like “He’s sorta quar; but then, he IS a yankee.”

Pelvik – pelvis

Prolly – probably

nerry a’bit – not even a little bit

I swanee – polite Southerner’s use this instead of I swear!

That lil shit – blaming this one on my mom – who taught her grandchildren that Shit isn’t a cuss word – it’s just what you say when you are mad. So, the grandkids would come running into the house and say, “You know what that little shit  <insert kid’s name here> did!?

I’ve shared some from my family, please share some of yours with me! 

From Grammarly

From Grammarly

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bloomers by the Barn

Annie Ruth is a family friend that is considered ‘family’. As a matter of fact, I was a teenager before I found out that she wasn’t actually kin. She and her husband, Ed double dated with Mamma and Daddy (Doris and Charles).

Annie Ruth lived in the double wide down the road from The Farm; and was an excitable sort that talked non-stop and had a heart of gold.  You just never knew when Annie Ruth was going to pop into Mamma’s.  We could be busy as bees cleaning the house, or just sitting around the kitchen table talking and suddenly the front door would open and in would come Annie Ruth in mid sentence,

” . . and then  we’d be be able to have them for winter. . ”

“What?” Mamma would ask.

“Huh?” Annie Ruth would reply.

“You were saying we could have them for winter.” Mamma would then say.

“Have what for winter?” Annie Ruth would ask, while I would be across the room absolutely cracking up!

Both would stop talking and look at me like I was nuts! I swear it was like watching Abbot and Costello!

Well, one warm Saturday morning in spring, I had gone to mamma’s to visit and help her do the weekly cleaning. All of a sudden in rushed Annie Ruth saying, “Lawd a mercy! Out in plain sight behind the barn. Why I never…”

WHAT?! Mom and I stopped in our tracks and looked at Annie Ruth.

“What was in plain sight behind the barn?” mom and I asked in unison.

“Big White Bloomers.” Annie Ruth answered, talking over her shoulder as she rummaged in the refrigerator,”Doris, do you have any tea?”

That was another trait of Annie Ruth’s. She’d drop a verbal bomb and then be onto another thought entirely before anyone could react.

“Did you bring them back with you?” Mamma asked.

“Bring what back?” Annie Ruth questioned.

Mamma sighed, “The Big White Bloomers!”

“He-e-ck no! There’s no telling what them bloomers have been butted up against!” Annie Ruth exclaimed, hesitated, then chuckled. “Bloomers….butt… hee hee .”

Just then with the perfect timing he’s known for, my cousin Ray walks in. Ray is my cousin and a farmer. He rents the land behind Mamma’s house, the land where he learned how to farm from our Granddaddy, on land from our granddaddy’s great uncle.

“Morning ladies . . .  Patti.” Ray says with an impish grin.

Ray is the oldest of my Johnson cousins. Mamma, Dinah and Evelyn are his aunts. Ray lives down the road from mamma and farms the land, so he’s in and out of there all the time. Mamma and Ray can be a bad combination though, he’s got the same mischievous streak as my mamma! You might remember Ray from Pig Pickin’s and  Drive By’s posted inw October 2011.

“Ray, do you know anything about some bloomers left behind the barn?” Mamma asked.

“Bloomers?!?! Which barn? The one out past the Pecan trees?” Ray asked.

“Yes. Do you know who they might belong to, Ray?” asked Annie Ruth.

“Nope, don’t thin…wait a minute! There was a strange pick up truck on the road right around dark last night.”

“What color was it? Was it a Chevy or a Ford? Old or…”

“Whoa Annie Ruth!” Ray interrupted. “It was a Chevy, faded red, about 20 years old or so. Let me know if you see it, I’ll do the same for you.”

The next Saturday morning, Annie Ruth was out in the field arrowhead hunting, as she did every sunny Saturday. As she neared the barn she couldn’t resist walking over to where she had seen the bloomers. “What in the world is that?” she wondered as she bent down to get a closer look. “Oh my Lawd! Oh my! Oh my!” Off she scooted as fast as she could, towards Mamma’s house.

“Doris!” Annie Ruth shouted as she burst through Mamma’s front door. “Call Ray! There are  condoms by the barn now! Condoms!!”

Ray was called, the offending item properly disposed of, and that Sunday, around the dinner table, a full out discussion ensued.

“Reckon who it could’ve been?” “Do you think it’s someone that lives on this road?” “I bet they belong to that trollop who lives down that long path at t’other end of the road.”

Annie Ruth suggested a stakeout next Friday night. “We could hide in the barn and wait. When they start we could jump out and run ’em off!”

Mamma, Aunt Dinah, Aunt Evelyn and Annie Ruth started making plans.

So the next Friday night they put into action their plan for  “The Great Bloomers Stakeout.” Those four women buzzed around all afternoon gathering supplies. Old quilts for pallets, camp chairs, tiny individual flash lights covered in orange cellophane so as not to risk being seen from outside the barn. They even thought to carry a couple of big pots and metal spoons to scare off the offenders.

They spent the day making food so they wouldn’t get hungry. Aunt Dinah made the deviled eggs, mamma the ham-salad. Evelyn brought paper goods, chips and other snacks.  Annie Ruth brought the iced tea*  and Yahtzee, but that got vetoed because it was ‘too noisy’. They decided on mom’s Scrabble board instead.

“Don’t forget the dictionary.” Mom reminded Annie Ruth.  “Oh! I can bring my binoculars!”

“Do we need a note pad?” Dinah asked.

Mamma replied, “Dinah. We aren’t on a spy mission.”

“No Doris, to keep score on.” Dinah said with an irritated tone in her voice. Mamma and Dinah were very close and could argue and love as deeply as only two sisters can.

Let’s do a check: Scrabble, Food & Drinks, Paper goods, Flashlights (4), Pallets & Pillows, Camp chairs, & the pots and spoons for banging. Okay,everything is ready. All that’s left is to wait until dark to sneak out to the barn.

As soon as the last light of day faded  “Operation Big Bloomers” was underway.

<cue Mission Impossible theme>

Loaded down with supplies and ready for a night’s worth of spying Mamma, Aunt Dinah, Annie Ruth and Aunt Evelyn made their way to the barn.

In stealth-like fashion, through the grove of Pecan trees, they darted like cartoon characters do… moving quickly from tree to tree on their tiptoes. Each time they stopped behind a tree, smothered giggling could be heard along with repeated, “Sh-h-s.”

Since Dinah had already swept out the barn earlier that day all they had to do was set up their post.

Evelyn and Annie Ruth spread the pallets out and set up the chair while mamma and Dinah covered a work table with a table cloth and enough food to feed an entire spy agency.

At first, they spoke in hushed whispers while sitting on the pallets. That is, everyone except Doris, who always sits in a chair because of her ‘affliction’ (i.e. polio).  “Annie Ruth, did you remember to bring an extra tank of Oxygen in case we have to stay out here for a while?”

“Sure do. Fully loaded.” Anni Ruth replied giggling.

Dinah and Evelyn exchanged looks that said, “Oh no.”

Annie Ruth was a talker. There were times that her COPD caused her to have to take steroids. The steroids enhanced her urge to talk. This was one of times. It could be a mighty long night.

After about 3 hours of talking, eating and playing Scrabble the laughter subsided for a few minutes. All was quiet and peaceful. . . for about 10 minutes.

Headlights shone through the spaces in the barn’s wooden wall. Four 60+ year old women scattered like they were only 12!

Shh. Do you see anything? Are they stopping? Who is it??  Is it the pickup?

Just as it got close enough to tell that it was a pickup, it sped up and cut back towards the road in a blur.

Could anyone see who was driving?

No? Well durn!

Annie Ruth muttered, “Well, I guess we’ll never find out.”

Off down the road, driving a dirty pick up truck with a bag from Wal*Mart that contained an empty pack of ladies panties (size extra large) and an empty two condom pack. Laughing out loud, Ray thought to himself, “Now that’s what I call fun on the farm!”

See. I told you my mamma was the absolute master at pulling a prank. And she was real good at getting help to pull one off when she needed it, after all~ isn’t an aunts job to teach her nieces and nephews all the fun stuff ?

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Doris, Dinah and the Dancing Dild. . . e-r-r “device”…

The women were sitting in the kitchen at the table while the men were in the living room watching “the ballgame”.

GOOD! Now we were free to run our mouths without worrying that the men might be listening to what we were talking about.

These conversations were always  the most fun.

This particular Sunday we were talking about my Aunt Dinah’s job in the shirt factory. Dinah was in her 60s at this time and worked with young girls in their 20s who, apparently, had taken it upon themselves to enlighten an ‘old country girl’ on the ways of the modern world. As Dinah told us of the things she had learned the past week, she suddenly said to my two cousins and me, “Girls, I’ve got a question for you.”

“Okay, Aunt Dinah, what is it?” we replied, never expecting what came next.

“I want to know what in the world is a DILLLL DOH?”  she said with her very southern drawl.

With bemused expressions, Brenda and I immediately looked at our cousin, Vicky because Vicky is her daughter. Everyone at the table was looking at Vicky, waiting to hear how she was going to delicately answer this question.

“Well,” Vicky began. “It’s something that is used for… uh…well,” she stammered, ” when a woman is single or if they don’t want a man then they could use this.” she stammered.  Once she finally got a description out, we all looked at Aunt Dinah to see her reaction.

“Well, I’ll be!”  said Aunt Dinah, shaking her head in amazement as we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, then everyone started laughing!

That was only the beginning of this story… 

My mom, Doris and her sister Dinah are the masters of practical jokes. Vicky (Dinah’s daughter), Brenda (her mom was Betty, the oldest of the sisters), and me (Patti) decided that we would FINALLY get them back for all the years of torture from the practical jokes they have played on us. Oh yeah.. we cooked up a good one! Vicky was going to go buy a dildo and I was elected to place it where they would be certain to find it. Brenda was going to keep them busy while I hid it where it was sure to be found.

To be certain they didn’t make the connection, we waited about 3 months before carrying out this plan. Vicky got “the object” and I placed it in a brown paper bag under the passenger seat of my mom’s van. Aunt Dinah and momma ALWAYS went to the post office in town on Saturday morning, which just so happens to be the busiest day at the Post Office. The parking lot is always full! Mom goes in and Dinah sits in the car and waits. While waiting she always plunders to see what new things Doris has placed in the car. Oh yes! That was a great plan! They’d find it right there in the Post Office parking lot.

On Sunday, Vicky, Brenda and I were at the farm as usual and were just about to bust!

“Did they find it yet?” we whispered to each other. “I don’t know!”  “How can we sneak out to see?”

Mom asked me to go to the garage and get a couple of bags of peas for dinner. PERFECT! The car was in the garage. I could sneak a peak and they’d never know it.

When I went out to the garage, the durn van was LOCKED! Momma never locks the van.  How will we ever get the keys?

That Sunday was a bust for “Operation Dildo”. We just could not locate the keys and check in the car without causing suspicion.

Once dinner was over and the kitchen had been cleaned, the men went to the back den to watch a ballgame and we were free to talk openly. Dinah had heard a joke at work this week and wanted to share it:

There was this old lady whose husband had died. Because they had an active and passionate sex life up until the day he died, the ‘widder woman’ asked the undertaker if he could save her husband’s penis for her in a jar. The undertaker, unfazed,  agreed. After the funeral the undertaker gave the “widder” the jar containing her husband’s penis. She went home, sat at the kitchen table and stroked the jar.  The undertaker had been thoughtful enough to preserve it in its …errr… largest state by placing a spring in it.  Before long she just couldn’t resist. She opened the jar.

When she got the jar lid off, OUT popped the penis and it started bouncing around the kitchen floor. Well that “widder woman” jumped out of her chair and started chasing it around the kitchen with her skirt hiked up dancing around and shouting, “Here it is honey.. here it is!”

We all cracked up. First of all, this just wasn’t like Aunt Dinah,  she actually used the word ‘penis’ instead of tallywacker!

Next Sunday.. same thing. Locked car. Couldn’t get the key.

About a month went by before we could safely check the car.  IT WAS GONE!!!!

Okay, we knew they had found it, but why didn’t they say anything? Did they know what it was? The one Vicky bought was BRIGHT pink and did vibrate, but it did have the ‘correct shape’, so they must know. We were just about to die from our curiosity!

After dinner, Dinah left the kitchen while ‘we girls’ did the dishes. When she returned she had a brown paper bag with her. Vicky, me, and Brenda all had our backs to her, the others were sitting at the kitchen table, watching. We hear this ..whirr..whirr.. sound and as the three of us turn around to see what it was, there was Aunt Dinah hiking up her skirt and dancing around this bright pink, vibrating dildo  hollering, “Here it is here it is!”

Dinah had found that brown paper bag. The very next Saturday after we hid it!

There we stood with our mouths hanging wide open in disbelief as our aunts and roared with laughter!

We learned from this to never,  NEVER underestimate these old ladies! They outsmarted us once again. They planned out their revenge very carefully, they patiently waited months and even made up that joke to get us back for embarrassing them in the Post Office parking lot. Dinah had found the bag and pulled out this bright pink dildo right there in the parking lot for everybody in town to see, so we must be taught a lesson! 

My mom, Doris looked at the three of us and said, “Girls, let this be a lesson to you. Old ladies are hard to fool and have a lot more patience than you youg’uns!”

“Yes ma’m.” we replied in unison.

<sigh> Oh well, at least we got to embarrass ’em a little bit.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: